Perfect Moment Monday

Perfect Moment Mondays inspired by: http://www.weebleswobblog.com/ Visit her blog to find out how to play...

This morning during my morning commute into work, I was flipping through the radio stations to try and find some music since I’m not much of a talk radio kind of gal. Finding actual music on the radio in the a.m. in this area is kind of like finding a diamond in the rough due to all of the talk radio shows. I’m not a picky person- I will listen to any kind of music I can find while scrolling through the dial, and this morning I did even better…

I had one of those moments where you randomly scroll through your radio dial and find a song you absolutely love that you rarely ever hear unless you’re playing the beloved cd. Sure enough, while doing my 3rd scroll-through in a desperate attempt to find music before resorting to digging out my cd collection, I happened upon Could You Be Loved by Bob Marley. I love Bob Marley music in general (how could you not? Anything beach-y and upbeat is always a favorite in my book) and Could You Be Loved is my all-time favorite Marley song. Not only is it a fun song, but it also reminds me of walking the beach with hubby on our honeymoon.

What a perfect start to a Monday workday…. Driving down the road, the commuters around me must have seen this young girl in business-casual rocking out in her car singing at the top of her lungs and thought she was nuts. Not nuts though… just enjoying a perfect moment.

Coffee Coffee... Buzz Buzz Buzz

I’ve mentioned it in previous posts… and I’ll mention it again. I. Love. Coffee. I love the aromas it fills my home with when I grind it’s beans or brew it…. I love the way it tastes…. I can’t find much better than a huge mug of steaming coffee to curl up with on a freezing cold day. I love the stuff high-octane strong too… after sharing some with a few coworkers, I am now known as “the chick who puts crack in her coffee.” Heart palpitations, coming right up! My perfect coffee is some sort of dark roast that I grind fresh at home…. and then grounds piled up high to the top of the basket. Flavored is optional (I’m a sucker for hazelnut if I get coffee while out and about.) The stuff I make should come with an Attorney General’s warning, it’s so strong ….

And I’m back on the bean-wagon (HarHar!)

After reading many articles pre-TTC about the possible effects of high caffeine intake and miscarriage rates, I cut my beloved friend out of my life due to the melt-your-stomach lining strength of the stuff I prefer to sip each morning. (Some have suggested decaf…. I can taste the stark difference between the two… it ain’t pretty.) I was lucky and didn’t have any physical withdrawal symptoms…. Only heinous grouchiness for a few days that make my “Clomid grumps” seem laughable.

Fast forward to the beginning of this very cycle. Hubby and I know that I’m going to undergo my Clomid challenge and HSG this cycle- HSG happening potentially quite close to my possible ovulation time. We agree to take things easy and stay mellow this month since we don’t know how I will feel post-HSG…. CD1? Coffee…. CD 2? Coffee- I think you get the drift. I willingly admit I have a bit of a problem. I blame it on genetics after being birthed by a woman who is known for drinking a pot a day of the good stuff…This month has been absolutely glorious. I’m back to my chipper perky self with each sip of caffeine. I will miss my old friend when we start back on track next month, but some day that beany beautiful goodness will have it’s glory days once again.

(For all records, intents, and purposes.... this entry was written while sipping caramel-apple flavored dark roast... cold... with a splash of soy creamer added in. Ahhh, life is good once again!)

In lieu of a real post (because I have the Clomid grumps... and no one would want to read my Clomid-induced PMS/coming closer to a BFN rants) I will instead point you to an amazingly written post:

http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/2009/08/i-watched-funny-people-and-what-i.html

Read it... think about it... here are my reflections (which I already posted as a reply on the original.) Hubby was absolutely devastated when he got his S/A results back.... and is still hurting. He wants to read like I do and connect like I do. Sadly extremely few books out there are dedicated solely to MFI... and infertility forums for guys dealing with MFI? Non-existant. This is unacceptable. We need to change society's outlook for the sake of our husbands, brothers, sons and male friends.

Perfect Moment Monday

We interrupt this infertility drivel to bring up…. A Perfect Moment... inspired by my fellow infertile myrtile: http://www.weebleswobblog.com/ There’s only so much talk about infertility one can write about every day (despite the fact that it reels in my head each day which I’m sure all you IF folks can understand…)

My perfect moment was yesterday afternoon. Hubby and I usually laze about the homestead on Sundays: doing house chores, running errands, and hubby doing his “big run of the week” to work on training for the half-marathon he’s running in November. Yesterday, we threw our usual routine to the wind due to my plans with an old friend falling apart because of threats of inclement weather.

Hubby and I packed ourselves into the car, dressed in clothing we wouldn’t mind getting wet in and barged forward into the drizzly afternoon…. And ended up here:




Cathedral of the Pines: a non-denominational outdoor chapel dedicated to fallen service men/women. It. Is. Gorgeous. It’s in the woods, with a huge drop off cliff right past the altar and a view of the local mountain across the valley. Hubby and I went there once early in our dating days since he went to college near by. We had our first deep and serious conversation about our spiritual beliefs and hopes for the future there. We figured going back would be fitting due to the twists, turns, and challenges of faith we had been dealt lately. We were right: a trip there was just what we needed.... bring calm and renewed clarity to the hurried life we lead (at least for a few minutes.) I left there in a calm and collected state that I can usually only achieve after a long yoga class...

We ended our trek with dinner at near by Kimball Farms. Their veggie burger plates (hold the mayo) are so good, their almost worth their own “Perfect Moment” post. :)

All in all, a perfect and completely impromptu Perfect Moment!

“Only the Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Innocent.”

This blog is pretty obviously an anonymous one and for good reason. No picture of me up for all to see…. And only initials for hubby and I anywhere on here. I’ve chosen to make this blog anonymous (rather than password protecting my entries) because I’d rather be able to connect while all of you other folks out there who have “been there, done that” while keeping the news of our plans and progress away from disapproving friends and family…. Namely, my mother in law.

I do love the woman. She produced and raised my wonderful husband (and two other equally wonderful boys) under tough circumstances. She’s a creative soul and rather outdoorsy- hiking the White Mountain Range in New Hampshire each summer with her own siblings. She is also an extremely conservative and vocal Roman Catholic. I was also raised Catholic with twelve years of Parochial schooling under my belt as proof. That’s about where the similarities in beliefs end. She’s a staunch Republican, and I’m a Democrat/ bordering Green Party-supporter. She actively and regularly protests outside of her local Planned Parenthood with her fellow church members. I would not. Given her history of beliefs and the idea that the church frowns upon most if not all ART procedures we are pretty sure she would not react well to the idea of science giving her a grandchild. (I honestly haven’t read up on this beyond the Pope claiming MFI is due entirely to pollution from chemical birth control residue, so what is cool and what is not is beyond me…. I consider myself Catholic on paper- Catholic enough to give my husband the church wedding he wanted while keeping my distance from what I don’t agree with.)

Religious babble aside, hubby and I are 100% certain that his mother would be critical at best of any grandchildren produced through artificial means, as would my only living grandmother (also a very conservative Catholic.) I hate having to sneak around… most of my friends and coworkers are aware of what hubby and I are going through. My own parents and siblings know (as does one of hubby’s brothers.) MIL is net savy and has a Facebook account. We don’t speak of our IF struggles there and have begged our friends and my family not to mention it there. I also have a Livejournal blog where nothing of our IF struggles are mentioned due to people I cannot trust. It seems at times like our IF struggles and triumphs are one big secret operative mission at times. Well wishes before appointments, blood work, and HSGs through text messages and private emails rather than through Facebook wall posts. I suppose as long as we get our baby in the end and most people aren’t aware of how he/she got here…. No harm, no foul, right?

"We're not Infertile.... We're Just Reproductively Challenged."

I have many guilty pleasures in life (need we bring up my coffee addiction again?) One of them, despite my being a hardcore jeans and t-shirt tomboy my whole life is my closet addiction to Sex and the City. During college when home on break, a number of my pals and I would get together on Sunday nights and be glued to the tv at 9 P.M. to see the debut of the new episodes.... this tradition continues on nights that I have free to hang out and relax while hubby is gone watching this week's NASCAR race... So here I am tonight with four of my favorites from days past, a bowl of popcorn and a smidge of chocolate.... and then it hits me: my beloved show has been perpetuating the just relax/go on vacation/try to adopt and you'll get pregnant myth.

****Spoiler alert for those who have no seen the movie****

I mean, C'Mon. We all rooted for Charlotte through bedroom issues with Trey and then fertility problems with Harry (and who could forget the acupuncture episode?!?) Fast forward to the end of season six when the adopt Lilly from China... only for Charlotte to get pregnant on her own in the movie. I can understand where Hollywood is coming from. They needed a warm and fuzzy ending for their drama (what I like to call "The Notebook effect" whoever else has had a loved one with Alzheimer's is nodding their head by now I'm sure.) Although now that I am re-watching the series while going through this whole messy infertility journey myself, I can't help but feel a little jaded this time around.

Edit: I apologize for what a rambling mess this probably is. Blame it on what you will: overexposure to Manolo Blahnik's or some really very good dark chocolate to make me a bit loopy!

Grin and Bear It

I drove off to the big city this morning all psyched up and full of hope for our Urologist appointment. After the appointment…. I can’t help but feel apprehensive. If this man is the person is the doctor who is going to convince my insurance company (along with my OB) that hubby and I deserve further treatments… we are royally screwed.

*Sigh* I really don’t want to turn this blog into a total whine-fest. That’s not how I am IRL. I’m known as the obnoxiously perky ray of sunshine (trust me though folks- it take a helluva lot of coffee to get me that smiley!) Coffee addictions aside, I will try describe my morning as positively as I can with a little bit of TMI for rubber-necking value….
For all intents and purposes, hubby’s Urologist will be known as: Dr. Anal Probe. Yup, hubby now knows what it’s like to get *that intimate* with a man. I’ve read a more than a few blog entries about the fabled first Urologist appointment and in none of them was a rectal exam mentioned!!! Ah, men and their faked modesty!

Dr. Anal probe also examined hubby’s goods… all while talking to me (and mind you folks- I was sitting about three feet away from poor hubby and Dr. during the rectal exam too.) So Dr. AP is sitting there, hubby’s equipment in his hands talking to me and taking his sweet time with things (much to hubby’s chagrin.) The only thing I can liken this experience to is watching an episode of Crocodile Hunter with the late, great Steve Irwin while he’s holding and describing some sort of reptilian creature: Crikey! We’ve got a real beaut here folks….

Dr. AP was also one arrogant son of a gun. He looked all of about me and hubby’s ages (25 and 26 respectively) so it’s highly doubtful he’s learned about humility (or bedside manner) at this point in his tenure. He told us hubby’s S/A was “fine” (3% normal morphology on the Kruger scale is NOT fine, thankyouverymuch- I’ve done my research.) He also ripped apart the Kruger criteria itself saying it’s “too nitpicky” (well then why does every reputable ART clinic use this criteria over WHO criteria buddy?!?!?!) He also said that our infertility problems are MY fault (umm… 6 months of Clomid have corrected that, pal) and even had the nerve to hint that we aren’t conceiving because we aren’t timing intercourse properly. That was the final straw. Apart from wanting to go collect every positive OPK I’ve ever used to shove up his rear and take every single one of my painstakingly drawn out cycle charts to shove down his cocky throat I had gotten my fill of Dr. Anal probe. He ordered another S/A for hubby “just in case” but told us he doesn’t expect to need to see us again (thank the Gods above.)

Bloggers out there who have BTDT: I’m thinking we should go outside the coverage network for a second opinion… any thoughts (or commiserations?)